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In The Event Of Rain...


Weather update: 60% chance of rain.

If the team at Glastonbury Festival Forecast won the lottery, there would be no modest proclamations of surprise or graceful talk of giving some money to charity. Nope, we'd hire a limo, pick up the first sexy ladies we saw, drive around London with The Tampara (feat. Maya) blasting out the open sunroof and crassly inform anyone who looked in our direction that from now on we'd be wiping our bumholes with those fancy new £20 notes.
And then we'd go and lose the ticket.

Given that we'll clearly never be one of the lucky few who win the big money, there's no actual way we could know this for certain. But if the events following last week's metcheck heatwave prediction are anything to go by, we're pretty sure that's the cookie would crumble.

The promise of 25 degree temperatures and a measly 45% chance of rain was all it took to give us the best day of our lives ever. We didn't have the funds to get a limo but that didn't stop us piling on to the Weather Doc's BMX like an overjoyed pyramid of sun-worshipping stuntman and speeding down Oxford Street yelping "Heatwave! Heatwaaaaave!" over the sounds of the sea of bewildered tourists. With hands sore from high-fiving, we embraced, bonded, wept and thanked God. And all for nothing...

No sooner had we finished designing a massive image to leave on the homepage that said "Site closed - it's going to be fucking sunny! Job done! Woo!" did we hear the news. The forecast had changed. True, the new forecast of 21 degrees and a 60% chance of rain isn't entirely terrible, but frankly we quite liked being the bearers of great news. Now we're back to having to counter every bit of good news with a bit of crap news.

Well no more! Why get upset about the thought of rain and lower temperatures when we can spin the news in such a way that it still sounds great and nobody burns their tickets in dismay?

So here goes:
  • 25 degrees is far too hot anyway. There's next to no free shade at Glastonbury and the idea of standing in those sorts of temperatures actually sounds quite rubbish.
  • Rain isn't all that bad. 2005 may have been a washout but there's a lot less chance of that happening this year. Instead, think cooling showers and the chance to shelter up with as much alcohol as your long-suffering kids/other half can carry.
  • The less sun, the less chance of fat men getting topless. Doesn't sound that bad, until you're stood in a crowd with stretched, hairy nipples pressing against your forearms, quietly dry-heaving with disgust. And believe us ladies, there's something slightly horrible about urinating next a man who happens to be topless. A bloke who's that happy to show off his bulbous man-tits can only be too happy to urinate on other men in public toilets for fun. Not a fact, but worth presuming to be on the safe side.
Take a brolly, some wellies and lots of alcohol (in plastic bottles of course) anyhow and either way you'll be fine. In sunny weather, the umbrella acts as some welcome shade, alcohol is always welcome whatever the conditions, and the wellies will mean that at least your feet stay dry if you do end up next to a chest-baring watersports fan in the loos. Better to be safe instead of sorry, hmm?

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